Wednesday, January 23, 2008 12:56 am  <|>
<264> Power To Believe: What we know and what we believe differ within every one of us. No matter how sure you are of your beliefs, you can never be certain that it is fact and no matter what we think we know, we can never be certain that it is fact either. We learn all throughout our lives, just as we gain and change our beliefs as well. Everything is constantly being updated, renewed, and re=evaluated in order to achieve a whole understand of the world and the life we live to the best of our ability. We struggle with this task I think, because no matter how hard we try, study, meditate, or desire.... we can rarely get there - to that place we think we need to find in order to be happy or fulfilled or whatever you want to call it. Then there are some - perhaps too few - who actually come to a place where they feel they've found it and another set - also too few - who find a place they are content enough in staying in... maybe knowing there is more out there and welcoming it when it comes along, maybe even still actively seeking it - but they are still content, dare I say happy, to be in the place they are currently at too. I'm not quite there yet, but I strive to achieve at least that in life - finding a place where I will be content in what I have and know, while still willing to always learn, always meditate, and always want for both what I can and cannot have... They say to be happy you need to learn to stop wanting for what you can never have. Maybe that is a good way to live, but I'm not sure it's needed for everyone. Sometimes I think it is good for us to have desires, even if they are ones we won't ever truly obtain. I guess when you spell it out like that it does seem silly, but in idea what I mean is that to desire something, to look forward to it sometimes makes you excited... I guess something along the lines of how you might be more excited about getting a certain something then actually obtaining it. It's also how people think they really want to meet a certain person, but when they actually do the stars quickly disappear from their eyes. I don't think there is anything wrong in innocent wanting, within reason, but then again I guess it is different for everyone.

So why am I ranting on like this? Why do I care so much tonight about wants and believes and what not? I don't know, why do I ever rant about things? :) I guess I've just been back to thinking again lately a lot about belief, specifically faith and the similarities and differences in so many things in this world. Religion, yes of course, but also just in life events, in the coincidences and connections, and everything else. It feels like it wasn't so long ago that I woke up out of this haze... a feeling I have experienced before in the past, but one that never becomes familiar or especially easy to deal with even so. I know I had good reason to be out of it for so long, but this time last YEAR I was already slipping into it now looking back. Even though I didn't get sick to the point of hospitalization until May, I hadn't been myself or feeling very well since last December. By February I am fairly sure I was beyond the point of just 'feeling bad' to not being able to leave the house or the second floor of our place really. Dan had to take over most of the household duties and I rarely even got off of the couch except to go to the bathroom (which was only a few yards away). Much of my life in the last year, any that was spent not in a hospital and not in NJ with my parents when I was extremely sick still, was pretty much spent on the second floor of our place actually. Even now this is where I am plenty of the time I am here, pretty much all of it actually... but at least now I'm moving around a lot more and getting more things done. What mainly keeps me from the other two floors is the steps. I can get up and down them now, by myself even, but those first (or last depending on the direction I'm going on) steps can be a little uncertain due to our lower than should be banister. As long as I have something to hold on to 'just in case' I can keep my balance on my getting stronger every day but still a little weak legs. Without that for the top two steps it can be a little touch, but I manage ok if I really need to. But just as only a few weeks ago I was just getting that ability back on my own, I'm sure a few more weeks will bring even better results and mobility. I walk to places now... yes so far it's only meant a couple blocks down the street or 'all the way' to the little market that's only really like a block, if that, from Amble to get my own drinks or snacks instead of needing Concetta or Dan to do it for me. It's the little things that measure progress for me right now though, so I'll take what I can get!

I got my latest lab (blood test) results back yesterday. Numbers are still looking good. No crazy jumps up (in a positive way) this time really. It was more like things stayed in the ranges they should or didn't move much for those we are still looking to improve (like my protein level) but not going down is also a good sign. I also got a blood test about a week ago for the culture test they have to do to check for the bacterial infection as in seeing if it's still there. Last time - which was a month or maybe two I can't remember - it came back as a growth after 3 1/2 weeks. It is my understanding that they look at the growth for a month and if you make it past that you are ok, so I was just under the line it seems.... if that was the case that long ago when I was still feeling fairly bad, then certainly with this sudden jump in feeling better with better labs and better energy, strength, etc... surely it has to also have improved and dare I say, gone, finally? It does feel like it can't possibility still be active in my system if I am feeling better and better. How could I be getting better if my body was still busy fighting off infection? So we'll see. I'll keep ya posted, don't worry.

So I've already switched modes from laying around doing nothing to feeling like there is never quite enough time to do all I want to do. This was always true of course, but I didn't have the power or desire to do much about it before. I can't get too far when I'm not leaving the couch and once I am there are plenty of things all at once to take care of, not to mention all I can actually get done by still not leaving the couch. My laptop has proved ever so much more useful and it's so nice that I just happen to buy a new one in January last year just before I started really getting sick. The idea then was having a system that I could use and bring along for Metatative business, but overall just being able to be mobility productive and connected. My old laptop just wouldn't have made it. It's actually not doing so hot right now. I 'gave' it to Dan so he'd sort of have a computer to his name, because we all know he wasn't going to have one by wanting one actually for himself, so that's all well and good, but it's been sick with pop ups and spyware for awhile now and I just can't seem to get it clean. I've tried a number of programs, both free and pay, but they keep coming back. I know what's coming and it's what I suspected and dreaded from the beginning - a hard drive reformat and a new system install. For this, I know I could do it myself, but my brother is much more equipped and experienced in the matter so I will probably enlist him for the task if it has to come. I have one back up copy I managed to get off of it on my external drive from the beginning of the month and since it's practical unusable (and not used except for my attempts at repair and rejuvenation) that would probably be fine, but I am no longer using the program I had a trial copy of for the backup and I don't really feel like buying a license for it when I just got a new toy that will hopefully be the answer to my long desired backup and file sharing solutions. Ok, we're getting a little close to a nerdy (or is it geeky, I always mix them up even though I am quite fully both) post right now, so I shall move on. The bottom line is I need to get Dan's laptop backed up on the new system but I'm having trouble getting it connected because to do so I need Windows Service Pack 2, which apparently it still doesn't have because it wasn't used for so long. This would be fine, except to download it I seem to need the latest version of Internet Explorer or at least an updated version as it also seems this laptop is still running version 5 when they are up to 7 now... and when I try to download that the whole thing crashes anyway, so I suspect the same would happen were I to find another way to download the service pack. I could get it on cd or something, if the system could even handle the cd or the install itself... but I really want it backed up before I get into changing (or wiping) the system too much. But, anyway, I promised to keep the geeky stuff to a minimum - at least in this post anyway - because I wanted to talk less about such material things and more about the thoughts and beliefs I started with at the beginning.

It is our knowledge and beliefs and our ability to be flexible enough to change (at least some) of them as we wander throughout life that make us who we are. It is what makes each of us unique and even interesting. It is why we want so much to interact and know each other. Perhaps that's not the only reason of course, but it is certainly a driving factor. Sometimes it's hard to grasp just what it is we want to learn - be it a fact, an experience, or a belief. We always seem to have something standing in our way - lack of time, lack of energy, lack of desire. We want to expand, but we are already so expanding and we can't quite see it the same way. For someone like me, we want to take on more despite the fact that we have plenty on our plate already. People like me like to have their hands in all kinds of buckets and it doesn't limit itself to physically doing things. Yes, I might be doing six things at once in that sense, but I'm also thinking in a multiple of places inside my head, and probably digitally doing multiple things while physically doing other multiples of things too. Yea, I like to be all over the place basically. For people like me the to-do lists are endless, but needed all the same. Things do get crossed off, we just keep on adding to the bottom is all. But you know, for people like me, I think we like it this way. At least I think I do... most of the time. Yes, to many it would be much too overwhelming. There is nothing wrong with that - it works differently for everyone. For me, I don't know why I don't get overwhelmed really, or why I even dare like the craziness at times. I guess keeping busy for certain people is a good way to motivate and keep going. I don't think I do it as any kind of avoidance tactic. I mean, I've been this way most of my life, long before I would have had anything to 'escape' from... but more I think it's just that I get a sense of accomplishment from many things. My own creative projects are a resource for this, of course, but I can also find enjoyment in balancing my checkbook (albeit digitally). So different things keep different people going. Yeah, it's not exactly a breakthrough idea, but it's something good to understand and point out sometimes.

So that's one aspect of things, but then their is everything we don't quite know or understand. Our faith and our beliefs. We take a different part of life to figure this out for ourselves. Again, the same excuses get in the way.... no time, too busy, etc... etc... but in the end this is something we are always left to think about, whether it is in those last moments before we fall asleep or when our day just hits the point of craziness where we stop caring so much and just move on to something else. There is always something else and there is always more out there. So we are left to decide how we want to approach this task. Like I said before, I'm not just taking about religion. Yes, that is a major part of it for many people in world, no matter why their religion or belief system. But you can also just question or desire to learn more about belief itself. The ideas of faith, destiny, and existence are within us all, even if we reject traditional religions, even if we reject religion all together, questions still remain just by existing. You could try to ignore the uncertainty of it I suppose, but I am not sure anyone can completely. Maybe in an altered state of mind and I'm sure that is what leads many to the problems they have due to their need for escape from it all.

Now I shall digress for a moment to pay a moment of silence to one of my favorite actors, who I thought was extremely talented and had such a bright future head of him in his career. Just before 5pm today (well yesterday now) the news broke that Heath Ledger had been found dead in a NYC apartment. His housekeeper went into his bedroom to let him know his scheduled masseuse had arrived, only to discover him unconscious with sleeping pills laying around him. While self inflicted, I wonder if it could have possibility been accidental even though everyone assumes drug problem and suicide when they hear pills and successful, single actor. Yes, that might have been the case, but I think it's looking more and more like they think it really was an accident, as he was reportedly even quoted back in November saying that two sleeping pills for him only worked for about an hour. It's not that hard to think that if he was exhausted and out of it he may have just taken a bunch without really thinking that it could actually kill him. I didn't know much about his recent personal life, until now that is. I admit there was a time in my life, yes I had my teenage girl years too, when I cared a whole lot more about actors and the media... but in more recent years I am quite content with just staying informed where it makes sense. However, I will say that Heath Ledger had been a favorite actor of mine since 10 Things I Hate About You, which remains a guilty pleasure and among the list of my all time favorite movies. I had followed and seen most of his movies except actually since not seeing Brokeback Mountain I think I may not have seen him in anything newer either. I will see him in his final movie though, just as soon as Batman comes out. The Joker, being his final role, will be bittersweet to watch... but I'm glad he was able to have such a good career already at 28. I really believe he had a great career ahead of him too and I actually mourn the loss of his talent and what it might have created in the future. It sounds a little silly, but he was one of my truly favorite talents, which is saying a lot now that I really don't bother to follow Hollywood or the like at all anymore. So, anyway, Heath Ledger, I will miss seeing you on the screen and my thoughts go out to those closest to you and especially your daughter as no child should ever have to lose a parent so early in life. Rest In Peace.

Now that that's been said, I feel pretty drained actually. There is so much that can be said about knowledge and belief that I couldn't possibly have thought I would get it all in tonight with one post. But the idea still remains. For myself, I'm always learning - about life and about my beliefs. They change with time and experience - for most people I'm sure - but I find for me especially with all I've death with in my most recent experiences. I take it all in as it comes and on some level every experience, good or bad, adds to what we learn and changes what we know and believe. I set out once again on a personal journey to figure some of it out and see what it might do to help me get through the next stages of life that I face. I feel ready finally. It's nice to feel this way again when their was a point that I was so sick that I couldn't even get myself to the point of feeling like I wanted to try to get some of my own self power back, but now that I am free to do so again I intend to take advantage of it. I predict good things ahead - both in coming on their own and of my own making - at least if I have anything to say about it! ;)

Until next time! :)