Wednesday, March 6, 2007 12:28 am  <|>
<259> Endless Days: I've been tired and ready for bed for over an hour now, yet while laying down something compelled me to post my entry from the end of last month that I knew never got uploaded and has been in the back of my mind for days to get it up. Of course I can rarely post or come back to a post without rereading the whole damn thing... which in turn usually drives me to write yet another post - thus posting two new posts at once and probably having most of you who actually read this skip over entries you don't even realize you are skipping. Yeah, I am tricky like that, but really, who actually comes here and reads the inner workings of my mind anyway?

I suppose I know well enough by now that when I get tired I hit a certain point - it's that point of creativity... that you want to grab hold of and use to create and make, but then there is a part of you that says you know you should really just go to bed already!! Lately I've been listening to the latter all too easily, but I suppose I have my reasons and something tells me that I should enjoy my quick to fall asleep habits while they last. I try not to take things for granted, but it's hard to realize just what it is around you that you are taking for granted when so many options exist. Sleep. I get plenty of it, yet it always seems so appealing when I get to this point of the night. Some things pass through my mind... what I didn't do today, but not in a stressed way, just more of a mental side note to try to get to those things tomorrow (or the next day). I've remained pretty laid back as of late, though I still manage to get done what I have to when it comes to certain things (i.e. work - especially work that pays me). But still, even there I feel the drag, the lack of energy and the need for a better boost once in awhile. I suppose it'll return to me someday. That drive. But I guess in the back of my mind it is precisely that drive that scares me sometimes too. It is that which has preceded some less than pleasant days of my life even though they really had little or nothing to do with one another. But who can be sure?

I don't know what I'm sure of anymore, but I just keep pressing on, as I say. The changes I've started to put into effect and the turns I've taken to ensure I can't really turn the same way back are probably positive in the long run, but what I approach is a bit scary too. Will the coming months bring me more control or will it slip away from me even more. Do I give too much credit to chemicals, when I can remember (though vaguely) a time when my mind had the ultimate control. Or is it just that which drove me to the place I am today? I don't have the answers. I can barely ask the questions and even when I do I don't know if they are really the right ones. I don't know if I am headed in the right direction, or really directions... but I am trying and that's all I can really do at this point... it's all anyone can really do.

I live a life of endless days right now. I'm in the house most of the time - working from home is a blessing and a curse... but even without that I suspect my daily routine would be similar. Is it so horrible that I don't mind it that much? To some this is cause for alarm, well it would be if they didn't sort of understand at least, but I don't do it all because I have to, part of it is actually a want (or is that just what I tell myself?) To be honest, I really do enjoy it for the most part - it's partly the winter months... I don't like being out in the cold or the prep involved in going out in the cold - especially for me who gets cold so easily and has to protect her weak immune system. So in a way, it's a protection shield, but the little bits I am out - amongst friends mostly thankfully, I do end up having a good time. It's never that I don't expect to - it's just a struggle right now. It's those moments that come and go - they pass me by and everyone else goes unaware, for the most part, unless I want them to know otherwise, but even so it's a struggle for me all the same or maybe more when I don't come out and explain what's going on. To talk about it doesn't help - maybe it would eventually, maybe there is more that I don't know, buried deep that I don't see within... but I feel like I'm in denial to say that there isn't and I feel like it's overly hoping in certain ways to think that there is. Really, I've just been through a lot and it was bound to catch up - that's what it seems on the outside surface and if you dig deeper I think that's probably still what you'll find, though more compounded in certain ways I suppose. I've considered tonight that I should start writing a written journal again. Partly because I don't write - hand write in general I mean - much at all anymore. Partly I will get tired of writing physically before I tire of typing, but I know that I won't be totally honest and ranting unless I know I'm writing to myself alone. I'm totally fine with exposing myself here, as anyone who reads this much at all knows, but it's more that I don't want to bore you with my endless overanalysis that I used to do nightly as almost a ritual practice. Ritual is maybe what I need now. The positive, the relaxation, the motivation - to keep at something - especially something new and to regard it important enough to give it it's own respect and it's own right.

I can't accept that I don't have control over myself - chemical compounds or post trauma aside. This is me and the only one to take control of me is going to be me. That's the way it always has been, whether it seemed like it always or not. Everyone has this power, but I think a majority fails to know it and I'm sure some don't have the power to access it the way others do. It takes certain circumstances and a certain kind of person to start and even then, who knows what brings you to the point where you just start having the better sense that you wish you could have accessed all along. It's easy to feel a certain way when the bad parts aren't attacking you - it's hard to remember the control you claim when they are... but all in all you are always the same person really and this is what I need to remember when I'm facing those demons that want me to believe I can't control. I plan to be the trick, the anomaly, the beat that skips and prevails instead of leads its way to a heart attack. I'm good enough for that at least - to be able to control more than I do now (or that I feel that I do now). I write this all down so maybe I can remember it when my mind again turns hazy and even though I know why the change happens, I will know that there are still points at which the inner self controls the rest of me more than I can always remember too. Ahh, I just love not making much sense, even to myself at times... though I suspect people who've gone through similar would claim to understand more of it than I would even care to realize.

In the end, it comes down to me being able to move forward instead of back, to face fear instead of resort to flight, and to take control of every jump and twitch that comes my way, unexpected though it often is. Give me a challenge and I will overcome it, bring another and I will do the same, tell me twice here comes another, but I will never leave myself lame.