Thursday, July 14, 2005 2:57 pm  <|>
<224> Hard To Let Go: It's a weird feeling to be so comfortable in your life that you almost take it for granted and then realize that it could all be headed for a change... you won't remember how it used to be soon, but you won't know any better either. I've practically created the job role I work in now. No one here before me has played the exact same role and I suspect no one will following me. It's hard to say, but what's hard for me is to picture it not mattering anymore. I mean, if I stay on as an independent contractor for awhile, that's fine, but if they hire someone else to work with me and eventually take my role full time (instead of me completely) I'm going to have a hard time letting it go. I'm told it's common when you build up a position yourself, especially I guess when it's your first real full time job, like it has been for me. There are lots of pluses to me being an independent contractor instead of full time, but it is just this big leap and I cannot see the future clearly at all for when I return. I have no idea if I'll come back to a desk exactly how I left it or one adopted by a new face. I assume they'd have the kindness to give the new person the desk in the same area as mine, but not mine itself, since they won't want to upset my things too much (one can hope). Who knows? I know I'm going on to bigger and better things with grad and by the time I get back to the states I doubt I'm even going to want this job too much anymore. But I've come to enjoy it for what it is. It could have been so much worse getting a job (or jobs) right after graduation, so I should be thankful in the end just for that.

I've finally taken to riding the subway to and from work. For awhile I was walking or taking cabs, which took longer and got expensive respectively. It's not that I'm against the subway really, but when you wake up as close to work's start time as possible, a cab begins to look like a much more attractive option if you can sleep in those extra 20 minutes. The walking is fine too, but it just takes so long, though sometimes it doesn't seem so bad when you have a lot of errands to run along the way. Still the different will be important... from our old place I could walk to work for free, so nothing beats that, but if I take a cab it costs $6-$8 one way; if I take the subway it's $2 per ride plus some walking (about 5 blocks). It'll do for now.

I'm afraid that I'm going to enjoy being a student again too much. I'm afraid I'm not going to want to go back to the 9-5 life that I've adopted for the last year and a half out of necessity. I'm afraid that I will like "being my own boss" too much, like I once was and liked it, but it didn't matter as much back then because it was on a smaller scale and only part time. Back then I was also a student and things never matter the same when you have that going on to. But for me now, I've taken these steps... into adulthood, the working world, the "real" world... and now I'm trying to step back, which is an awefully hard thing to do I suspect.