Wednesday, March 16, 2005  11:43 am  <|>
<212> Knowing the Path: Knowing what you want in life is a difficult, if not impossible, thing. Even when you try to plan things out, you know going into it that you won't be able to control it through to completion. Chances are actually that by the time you finish thinking about the plan, the outside factors have already started to change. For myself, I've never tried to lay too much of a plan out ahead of time, but it's always been nice to have some idea of where I'm headed (or at least in what direction to face). Now seeing people close to me moving out in all kinds of directions, we are all at that time of life afterall, makes me wonder at myself and exactly which direction I ended up picking... just in case I should be turning around before it's too late.

It's not that I think my life is out of control or anything like that at all, it's just that right now with so many choices, it's tough to decide which way (or maybe even ways) I'm going. I've been thinking a lot lately about what is important to me.... what I'm willing to put off and what I'm willing to sacrifice for other things that I so selfishly want. This time last year we were all going through this, with graduation approaching and me, starting a new job while still recovering from a kidney transplant that of course changed my life just the month before. It was a lot to take in and I'm positive that I simply couldn't take it all in while it was happening or even right after, maybe I haven't fully even done so now, I can't be sure... but what I do know is this overall time of year is approaching again despite the fact that I'm a college graduate now, or have kept my steady 8:30-5 job (and kept my kidney too though it's not always smooth sailing). I guess I should look at the changing factors going on at the same time here though. This time last year I was looking to move into a new place, for the first time with Dan and on my own without regular roommates since I'd moved out of my parent's house. Now that I've lived like this for almost a year, I've learned what is great and what isn't about it. And now that we are moving again (which afterall is said and done I think is a really, really good thing) I'm faced not only with the tasks that come naturally with moving - like packing boxes and changing addresses - but deciding what the little things are that have been unsatisfactory in the last year, and see if any of them can be improved by the move. I'm coming to find they can be, at least, they seem to be, and that is allowing me to think in such upgrade status that I worry it might cloud my judgement. What is it that I was trying to move towards in the first place?

Granted, people's motives and goals are allowed to change overtime. But I watch Dan who, and I love him to death & in part because of this probably, has always known (for the most part) his simple, straightforward goal - he wants to paint... the way that he wants to, all the time if he could. Now I can't say this doesn't get in the way of reality a little bit sometimes... we both know it. The thing is, I think (most of the time anyway) that it's great to be so excited about something you love thinking about and doing, that you can allow yourself to forget (or maybe it's block out) all the other things that are going on at that moment. At the same time, you have to be willing to jump back and remember that you can't go on like that forever... at least not too successfully for too long.

For myself, I have always had a different way of going about, and even just having goals. For starters, I never have just one... they are always in multiples, complex sets of things that depend on each other usually to come true. Maybe this isn't so odd, but it does keep me from settling too easily. It's not that I think that the majority of my goals are out of reach (no not even my Fish Highway )... but I am quick to accept that many of them lay in the long term, simply because there is really no other way to go about them. The thing is, I'm content with this, looking far enough ahead that I'm willing to change my immediate surroundings, goals, and daily life to hopefully reach those goals someday. Like I said, it's not a terrible thing, but it IS very different from wanting one (or few) things that can be achieved by picking up a paintbrush and doing what you love. It's such a great thing to be able to do, but again I don't feel I'm lacking that type of thing either. I may not be able to fulfill all my goals at once (and by no means do you fulfill painting dreams by simply painting either), but I am contented with little things often enough to keep me going most of the time. And that's good enough for now I suppose.