Tuesday, February 15, 2005  4:25 pm  <|>
<209> Unsatisfactory Understanding: I'm hitting a point in which I am forced to keep second guessing so many things at once that I'm beginning to lose sight of certain things... and it has to stop. I'm one of those people who, growing up, never got in trouble - not because I got away with a lot or because my parents didn't pay attention, but because I truly tried to be a "good kid" and, for the most part, apparently succeeded. I guess you would expect this to turn out to be a really good thing to be able to say about yourself. You should think, well that puts a person off to a really good start... I thought it sure did. But, apparently none of this really pays off and before I start to sound completely pessimistic, bare with me, because after the last two days I think it's amazing I'm being this good about it.

We'll start with yesterday I suppose, so I don't get too confusing. But really I am so sick of these matters that I'm going to be vague about them anyway. Basically yesterday we had a spot inspection by the owner of our apartment building and got yelled at for having dirty dishes in our sink. Now, I realize they have to be strict - from their point of view they don't really care about the tenants per say, mainly their investment by having the buildings, but at the same time as a landlord I really don't feel you should have a right to complain about the personal habits of your tenants unless it is causing said investment harm - which in our case, it was not. First of all, they were supposed to come "sometime" this week, so of course they come on the first day. We had tried to make the apartment look somewhat nice, but we really weren't finished the way we wanted and their pretense for coming was a yearly check - things such as checking smoke detectors is usually part of the deal. Well, they checked no such things, they were just walking through to be a pain I guess. And I just can't help but hate it when something simple becomes a big issue. I spoke with them on the phone about it and they're just coming back next week but want it to look great - well it shouldn't matter how it looks until we move out. If it's a mess when we leave, which we would never leave it a mess, then they would take money from the security deposit. That's how it works. This really makes no sense and it just makes Dan and I super mad and frustrated really. It's been hard to keep things up nicely since we moved in with me recovering and then getting sick all the time. I don't expect outside people or companies or landlords to understand or care about that, but it is the reality of the situation and it gets rather frustrating when you can't make, or even want to try to make, people understand.

Next comes today at work. I had asked about a having a performance review and job description formalized about a month or so ago. Well of course all things happen at once, so yesterday I found out I'd be having a meeting today to talk about all of it. I thought it would be fine, and it was for the most part I guess, but it had to just be one more thing going on right now. And again, here while I didn't get blamed I still had to feel like I'd done something wrong when I really didn't. Like I said, I'm not going to go into all the details. I am going to have a review if I want, so I'll go through and do that. They were nice enough about it and I didn't go in there acting like I was demanding a raise, but there have been so many changes at my job and within my role, that I just need to have some clarification. Otherwise, I sit and don't know if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing or overstepping my bounds because no bounds have ever been set. I really do like my job, at least on most days, but sometimes I just have to question the way it all works and if it is what I really want.

To tie in these things to what I started off talking about... in both these situations I've found myself in lately, I come out of them feeling REALLY crappy in the end and forced to feel guilty for things I know deep down I really should not in anyway feel guilty for. To go with this, both these situations have of course been stressed/challenged by my being sick, which I know I also have no control of. This whole lack of control used to be even more present in my life, but then it was so out of my hands that I didn't have to feel so bad about it. Now I'm supposed to try to live a 'normal' life and it's more challenging than anybody realizes, even me sometimes, because while you attempt at normal things it seems it's just not possible to always keep up. It's not that I want to have an excuse all the time, but in my case it feels like one that should be understood is present but I'm kept from presenting it clearly almost all of the time.

And the thing of it is, I honestly try to do my best whenever I can... lately that not only seems to not pay off, but it seems to punish me in certain cases. We can state that life isn't fair, blah blah blah... but man I am sick of it. So this is where I'm at and yeah I don't really know where that is. Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything weird like that. I'm just frustrated. Some people have been more understanding than others in these situations and yea maybe a few weeks from now these things won't seem like they have mattered very much anymore, but I'm honestly not sure right now. And they say bad things come in threes, so forgive me if I'm just a little paranoid for awhile.

So that I don't end on a completely sour note... Valentine's Day yesterday, though spoiled by the apartment thing for Dan and I, was for us nice enough. Dan made me dinner, several courses I might add, and it was quite good. I was so hungry when we ate too that I definitely was able to eat a large portion of each course which I often cannot manage when we make big meals because I'm just not used to it. I have this cursed holiday thing you know... so that nothing further bad happened yesterday was nothing short of a miracle... and I'm not even really that superstitious to tell you the truth.

I'm ready for a change and not just in one aspect, but it feels like so many could use one. This from the girl who started out writing about her despise for change itself. This girl now actually craving it. If we could move away and I could just have time to feel healthy and do my own work, but still see the people who matter most, that would be what I'd pick. But I know it's not that simple and we wouldn't get very far on what we make now, especially not once we up and left that source too. But it would be nice. If I had the means I would take Dan and a select other few and get away, I really would. I could really use it... but instead I know I have to just suck it up and face the fact that I have no idea what is just ahead and I have to swallow that a lot of it just might not be too good, it might be change even, but that doesn't mean it'll be positive. I'm such a positive person, at least that is what everyone tells me, but you know, even the positive ones have a right to go the other way once in awhile.